come on, come on

i'm actually very aware of myself everytime. my actions, my words, my body language.

you can say that i do things on purpose.

like i know if i say a certain sentence, it can be quite ego. and
i do know it but i still say it.

or like sometimes i appear dao. can't really help it, but i do know that i appear dao.

i'm even more so aware about all this because people say i'm ego.

i'm trying to change. but sometimes i don't know.

is it ego ? or is it just being myself.
i want to be myself. but i don't want to be that ego.

that said. i don't think i'm THAT ego.
and sometimes, i'm really joking about what i say la.

maybe it's my "past"
i've been suaned so many times last time in sec sch.
though it may not be much actually.
but still i think it shaped me.

when i do something better or not bad, i'm proud of it.
because it's good.
i know i can do it. i'm not lousy. i'm not stupid. i'm not an idiot.
and when i really say that i did that, i'm ego ?
worst thing is when people don't believe me.

example. my friend asks me if i can beat B in tennis.
i tell him the truth right? i say yes. i beat him blah blah score.
he does not really believe me. then B is there/present .
and now because i'm trying to
prove that i did really beat B in tennis, i hurt B's feelings instead.

like what the hell ?

maybe i hate being look down upon, or misjudged.
maybe i try too hard to prove that i'm better

and maybe i think too much.
trying to be perfect, please everyone.

but i do know my abilites. quite well
and i'll try my very very best not to brag, at least be honest.
try to be myself and hopefully it's not ego.

most important thing,
actually, is whether i am comfortable with myself


( actually i wanted to brag about something, ended up writing this. lol )